A contemplative day

side note: this is my 100th post.  pretty crazy i think.

I felt very contemplative today.  I was thinking more about being 'at home' with myself (what I wrote about yesterday).  I have never really felt at home in this world and that is probably because I have never really felt at home with myself.  I have been thinking a bit about identity lately and who I am at the end of the day when nobody else is around.  Because we act a certain way in front of people.  And the people around us can have a huge influence on who we are and who we become.  But I want to know who I am apart from everyone.  apart from the world and all of its distractions.  apart from society.  I'm pretty sure it is not possible to ever know this, plus it is always changing so even if I did know it, it would only be for a second.  Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I don't necessarily feel at home with myself.  I never have.  But I would like to.  And I spent a lot of time thinking about this today.

I also started reading a new book and it is super thought provoking.  So I was thinking about that a bunch.  I always think a lot though.  Sometimes I just get stuck in my head and forget that there are other aspects of life.  But today I was just feeling very contemplative.  Do you know what I mean?  I was very much just deep in thought about lots of things.  I wasn't stuck in my head today.  Not that kind of deep thought.  They were just deep.  Trying to get to the root of things.  I'm not sure I can really explain it.  It felt good, though.  I like to think about things.  I also like to discuss/debate these things with others.  But today was all about the thinking.  Sometimes I miss the intellectual stimulation of school.  I DON'T miss school at all.  But I sometimes miss that I would be intellectually stimulated everyday.  Now I have to work harder to be stimulated.  Today my brain was super stimulated and I didn't really have to try at all.  It just happened.  Sometimes I force things to think about.  Like a concept that I want to research or something.  But today's thoughts were way more free flowing.  And they felt a lot better.

I feel like this is a super random post.  I feel like I am rambling and just typing.  But, yeah, that is an example of how I am feeling today.  Very much flowing and rambling and thinking...